Postpartum.
That beautiful, scary, exciting, nerve wracking word: postpartum.
The beautiful and exciting side of it of course being that your baby is finally in your arms and your little family is made whole.
The scary and nerve-wracking side of it is this new journey you’re starting, your 4th trimester.
The early days of postpartum for me could only be described as a “fever dream.” I was a NICU mama. I knew I had given birth, my body felt it, but I had no baby to show for it in the early days. I was confused, sad, mad, all of it. 8 days later we had our baby back and that’s when I felt like it truly began for me.
Who am I?
I read so many powerful stories about women walking through postpartum. The most common thing that was talked about was becoming a stranger to your own body. Your body will go through 9 months, growing and nurturing your beautiful baby. A body so admired and celebrated as life forms in your womb. But then in a split moment, as you stare in the mirror, you don’t recognize who you’re looking at. It’s someone new.
That was something I couldn’t picture until I began to walk that. My beautiful baby-filled belly was gone. I was just looking at a stretched-out belly covered in stretch marks as I tried to figure out who this new woman was looking back at me. I never thought that I would feel like I lost myself to motherhood.
Any time I would see people postpartum, it would always be about the baby. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. If I was asked how I was, it still would always be about the baby, which makes sense. I have a baby who relies on me 24/7 for all her needs. She’s my entire world. But I couldn’t help but still ask myself, “Who am I? Who’s living in this body I once knew? And why do I feel like this?”
Boy mom? Girl mom.
It’s funny, I always pictured myself as a boy mom, but it’s like God knew how much I needed to be a girl mom. (which scared me more than I thought!) I thought about all of my struggles growing up… self image, self identity, body issues… all of it. I thought about how there were times I didn’t feel beautiful or loved, and I was worried that my daughter would face that too. It shattered me, but oddly enough, at the same time, it inspired me.
It inspired me, because, in order to face those struggles, I needed a strong woman to look up to for guidance and to be led. But I also realized that in having to face those struggles as I did, I was becoming a strong woman that could one day lead and guide.
So, initially, yes, I felt like I lost myself when I “became a mom.” It’s what I am now after all. But a change of perspective was exactly what I needed for myself and my baby girl. I started to look at motherhood and postpartum from a different point of view.
What is my truth?
Something I like to ask myself is, “What is my truth?” My truth is: I am a mother. Even more, I am a mama to a beautiful baby girl. My body is powerful and strong and I am still beautiful.
My truth is motherhood didn’t rob me of my identity and purpose… it ignited it. My baby girl is going to look to her mama for love and guidance as she grows and becomes a woman. She’s gonna look toward me for comfort and advice in her life. She’s going to look to me, a woman who is confident and sure in her ways, as a role model.
If my girl is anything like me, she will definitely be hard minded! To have a mama who is sure in her ways, but still able to learn and be taught, will help her to learn and grow too.
God knew I needed a baby girl to help me grow into the woman I’m called to be.
God knew I needed you, Ezri girl.
Yes, every day postpartum brings it’s struggles, and that’s ok. It’s ok to struggle. Through struggle comes strength. Through struggling brings more opportunities for growth and new things to be taught. If we don’t struggle, we will never learn anything new.
A Learning Journey
That’s just what postpartum is: a learning journey. And I pray you are gentle with yourselves as you embark on this new walk in your lives.
Mama, we are still celebrating you and all of the incredible things you have accomplished. Postpartum does not and will not change the fact that YOU ARE AMAZING!
Read More Below
- My Labor and Delivery Story
- My Postpartum Journey
- Grief of What Was
- The Day Time Stopped
- To the Mama Who Tries to Do It All